Friday, December 25, 2009

Hehe...Meh...Ugh

Contributor: Bombykol

Merry fucking Christmas.  What did you get?  I got an email, with the following picture attached...




If you're like me, I'm guessing you'll mix your next drink a little stronger.  Here's one more pic, this one a bit older...





Now, who's getting excited about the 2010 White Sox?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Moneyball Lives!

Contributor: Wally

Owing to the relatively modest success of recent Oakland Athletics teams (the nicest way I could think of to put it), it has become common practice to proclaim the death of Moneyball.  This, of course, is false.  Even if on-base percentage were suddenly and inexplicably to fall out of vogue, which is unlikely being as baseball's most elementary tenant remains reaching base, Moneyball consists of more than simply stocking a lineup with high-OBP guys.  Rather, it's about determining market inefficiencies, flaws in player evaluation that allow valuable assets to be had at less than the going rate.  Teams have been doing this, well, forever.  At least since players started pulling in large salaries.  This is how small market teams are able to intermittently compete with the well-financed franchises.  Indeed, despite the best efforts of Dayton Moore and Co., Moneyball is still alive and well, even amongst those with resources.

In fact, it's better than just "well"...it's thriving.  And not just in baseball--in all realms of life.  Take dating, for instance.  Reasonably good-looking but less-than-magnanimous guys have been pulling attractive women for years.  But how?  Maybe she's got a large, slightly pointed nose.  Breasts that do little to inspire.  Calves like an Australian rugby player.  Red hair.  Market inefficiencies always manifest themselves in insecurity, that's how Billy Beane was able to pull off the coups he was able to in the nineties.  If those unathletic, strangely-proportioned, high-OBP/low-BA guys had been properly evaluating themselves (which would have required the free market to at least properly value them some of the time), they wouldn't have all ended up in Oakland.

So go forth, gentlemen.  Find the flaw that's depressing your dream girl's market value and pounce.  We can't all be the Yankees.  Fortunately, with a little help from Michael Lewis and Bennett Miller, we can at least be Brad Pitt.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

An Unabashed Homage to...Uni Watch?

Contributor: Wally

We at Minnfarction have stumbled upon the most garishly ornate uniforms in the history of sport.  They belong to the Northland College Lumberjacks cross country team, and boy are they doosies.  ("What if we combined the look of the chintziest apron imaginable with a 'ROAD WORK AHEAD' sign?"...but I digress.)  Before we begin the festivities, a sole commendation is in order: the blue shorts do complement both the orange uniform top and the soulless gingerness quite well.  All pics that follow were taken without the permission of the subjects (to report a violation, click here):


 The "Dayrunner"

The orange and blue combo, complementary as it may be, never looks good when the blue is anything less than a royal or navy hue.  This is particularly true when the blue is straight out of the Crayola 8-Count Crayon set.


We have a playing field as ugly as our uniforms.  We must be Boise State.

As for the plaid...ugh.  Being as Northland is located in Ashland, WI, I can only surmise that they were hedging against their athletes getting picked off by deer hunters.  If you can think of another reason, we're all ears (minnfarction@gmail.com).  While this may be forgivable as piping--the North Carolina Tar Heels, after all, have employed powder blue argyle side panels for years...



...Northland decided to make their's more, uh, conspicuous.  Spare the orange breast plate, the entire [tank] top is orange plaid, even the back.  And the piping sucks too.  (Is it even "piping" when it encompasses half the fabric of the short?)


Somewhere, Richard Simmons is asphyxiating on his own vomit.

All this is quite unfortunate, especially considering their website has pictures of the boys sporting much more tasteful plain white tops, with the word "Northland" displayed humbly across the chest.  Sometimes, less really is more.  That's enough from us--Paul Lukas has been made aware of the situation.  It's in God's hands now.

Monday, November 30, 2009

What Better Way to Separate Onesself from the Steroids Era Than to Eliminate the DH?

Contributor:  Bombykol

With the announcement that Bud Selig will step down as commissioner in 2012 comes hope for eradication of the designated hitter.  False hope, in all likelihood, but things of this nature are fun to dream on.  With that, allow me to offer up a proposal to baseball neotraditionalists everywhere.

* No DH will be employed in its traditional conception, American or National League.

** That said, the rules must be homogenized.  Convincing arguments have been made (particularly by the good folks at Baseball Prospectus) that the DH not only has engendered a talent disparity between the leagues but, correspondingly, a payroll disparity as well.  Quality bats are expensive, and as a direct repercussion of necessity-driven payroll augmentation American League lineups are more potent.  This dramatic difference between leagues/conferences is a phenomenon that is exclusive to baseball, and it is completely ridiculous.  As such, the following proposal applies to AL and NL alike.

*** Once per game, each team will be allowed to deploy a designated hitter to bat for the starting pitcher.  This would not require the pitcher be removed from the contest, nor would it remove the designated hitter from being eligible to enter the game as a pinch-hitter or defensive substitute later in the game.  Such an action would only be allowed for the starting pitcher, as to not significantly reduce strategy classically associated with N.L. bullpen management.  Long live the double switch!


No more.

With that, I would like to submit my candidacy for the Commissionership of Major League Baseball in 2012.  Now all I need to do is figure a way to become 25-30 years older before that time.  And a prominent lawyer or union head.  And a minority.

As a coda, Commissioner Bombykol will--if elected--be adopting the (slightly modified) Bill James proposal limiting throws over to first to one per batter, and four per inning.  Any further pick-off attempts will result in an unconditional "ball" being added to the count.  Additionally, time between innings will be reduced to 60 seconds, and only one mid-inning pitching change will be allowed per game.  Further, this pitching change will only be allowed if the current pitcher (a) started the game, or (b) has allowed a run, or three baserunners to reach base during his outing.

Sacrifice bunts will no longer be an official statistic, and will be scored as simple put-outs.  This makes more sense than the current convention, as significant statistical evidence has demonstrated that sacrifice bunts confer no advantage (except to the defense/pitcher).  Also, N.O.B.s will be eliminated for all home teams, the Toronto Blue Jays will be forced to re-adopt their old insignia and color scheme, slotting will be eliminated in favor of a draftee salary scale, Ned Colletti will be forced to donate $1,000 to charity for every HR hit by Carlos Santana for the remainder of his Cleveland tenure, the Oakland Coliseum will be demolished and Milton Bradley will be barred from the competitive play.

So let it be written.   So let it be done.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Call Me Ishmael

Contributor: Wally

The fad of apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic movies (e.g. 2012, The Road) looks to be in full swing.  But, if I may speak for White Sox fans everywhere--The Cult of Oz, if you will--we could care less.  When we want to entertain frightening notions, we turn to the Sox 2009 depth chart.  Which just got a little deeper.  And by "deeper," I mean "fatter," as yet another superfluous bench player was added to the puzzle, gaping holes in the starting lineup be damned.


Gimmick bet of 2010: Can Jones outslug his BMI?

Andruw Jones, Kenny Williams's white whale.  Or, more accurately, his second white whale; Williams always wanted Ken Griffey Jr.  Finally, once Junior's skills had deteriorated enough, Williams netted him...for Danny Richar and Nick Massett.  Not exactly the kind of package the M's were looking for back in Junior's heyday.  Well, history has repeated itself, as it so often does on the south side of Chicago (see: Everett, Carl; Alomar, Roberto and Sandy).  Kenny wanted Andruw real bad back in 2004, no surprise as the young Jones was a bona fide 50 HR threat at that point in time.  Now Jones looks more like a fifty (read: .050) ISO guy; the shine is off the apple.

Alright, reality check time.  Five years removed from a World Series victory, the 2010 Chicago White Sox could hypothetically field a lineup that looks like this:

C: A.J. Pierzynski
1B: Mark Kotsay
2B: Jayson Nix
3B: Mark Teahen
SS: Omar Vizquel
LF: Andruw Jones
CF: Brent Lillibridge
RF: Alex Rios

Ugh...may this day never come. For those of you that haven't been following the hot stove, one or more of these names may seem out of place.  A recap the Sox's 2009 F/A acquisitions is in order...

Player I: Kotsay, a 34 year-old (come December) first baseman (and likely a communist):

'09 (BOS):  74 AB,   3 XBH,  .257/.291/.324, .216 EqA, -0.5 WARP3
'09 (CWS): 113 AB, 10 XBH, .292/.349/.434, .267 EqA, 0.1 WARP3

Player II: Vizquel, a 43 year-old (come April) shortstop/second baseman who debuted the year after my birth:

'07: 513 AB, 18 2B, 51 RBI, .246/.305/.314, .226 EqA, 3.8 WARP3
'08: 266 AB, 10 2B, 24 RBI, .222/.283/.267, .196 EqA, -0.6 WARP3
'09: 177 AB,  7 2B, 17 RBI, .266/.316/.345, .238 EqA, 1.2 WARP3

Player III: Jones, a 33 year-old (come April) center fielder weighing 437 pounds:

'07: 572 AB, 27 2B, 26 HR, 83 RBI, .222/.311/.413, .251 EqA, 2.8 WARP3
'08: 209 AB,  8 2B,   3 HR,  21 RBI, .158/.256/.249, .171 EqA, -2.0 WARP3
'09: 281 AB, 18 2B, 17 HR, 43 RBI, .214/.323/.459, .259 EqA, 0.6 WARP3

***Net WARP3 for ALL THREE PLAYERS over the past THREE YEARS: 3.1 (note, that includes four seasons in the realm of the negative...)

What a haul!  I feel like I'm having blood let from my abdomen.

But wait a tic...these numbers don't tell everything, do they?  What about leadership, experience, gusto, balls!?!?  Normally, I'd tell you that you're in the wrong place, but today I'm going to attempt to simplify things, pop-psyche style.  Why?  Because these relatively abstract virtues are the only things White Sox management has used to try and sell me on these signings, production be damned.

More importantly, how am I gonna do it?  By labeling people with nebulous, highly arbitrary titles of course!  Consider this more than just an olive branch--consider it a collection of stereotypes interspersed with mysterious acronyms...
  • Mark Kotsay = "Clubhouse guy"

    • One small statistical caveat: Should probably be left in the clubhouse, like a shower caddy or "Jugs" magazine.  His last decent season on the field came five years ago, when he manned center field in Oakland.  Last season, when the White Sox played him in the OF, his UZR/150 was -27.1.

  • Omar Vizquel = "Eager tutor"

    • Practically microscopic caveat: Do as I say, or rather, as I am no longer capable of doing.  Even that may be too kind; Omar was never much of a hitter.  Case in point: he holds a career .327 OBP with an ISO mark of .066.  And he's nearly 43 years old, making him only two years younger than Mark McLemore.  And Ozzie Guillen.

  • Andruw Jones = "Fatty"

    • Tiny little Cheesy Poof of a caveat: Jumbo Jones is a one-tool power hitter who, after July 29, didn't hit a homer en route to posting a .160/.270/.210 the rest of the way.  A power hitter who can't hit for power is one of the more tragic figures in nature.  It's comparable to being a "one-tool" emperor penguin whose shtick is flight.

Bottom line: Mark Teahen is the White Sox best off-season pick-up, by quite a wide margin.  And Mark Teahen doesn't do anything particularly well.  In fact, this is a profound understatement.  His defense is abhorrent at second and in the outfield--though he has showcased his versatility by being below-average at third as well--he can't run, has no power to speak of and is old enough for one to confidently say he has peaked.  With Dayan Viciedo currently on the Andruw Jones diet, here's to hoping Brent Morel arrives quickly, and that his dismal minor-league OBP is less of a harbinger of things to come than his torrid AFL performance.

True, the pieces Chicago gave up for Teahen, Chris Getz and Josh Fields, have been are prime "don't let the door hit you in the ass" candidates from their early days in the show.  Nevertheless, there is value in cheap contracts.  That is, controlling players for multiple years at reasonable salaries has value most non-Yankee teams; in all liklihood, Getz and Fields would have given the Sox more value over the length of their contracts than Teahen will over the length of his, at less cost.  While Teahen will be a subpar starter for one more year under his current deal, plus an arbitration year (in which his salary will most likely be in the 4-5 million dollar range...wayyy more than he is worth), the two newest Royals are playing for nearly league-minimum salaries.  What's more, they have actual value if deployed correctly.  Getz is best suited for a utility role (he is average-below-average at 2B and 3B, well below-average at short), especially one where his one above-average tool, footspeed (25/26 SB/SBA), can be utilized.  Fields, on the other hand, while a defensive sieve at third, has value as a platoon bat at first base, DH or right field, as he more than holds his own against southpaws:

218 PA, 193 AB, 9 2B, 16 HR, 38 RBI, .285/.356/.580 (OPS+ 157)

That's a damn fine line for a guy who is a veritable wind farm against righties.  I quite honestly wish we would have kept him; a .580 SLG is more than a mere usable piece, it is a full-blown asset, particularly given our death of proven power hitters.  Assuming we don't sign a full-time DH, why did we not see the value in having Fields partake in a fluid time-share situation with Konerko, Flowers and a free agent third basemen, e.g. Joe Crede (who can no longer be counted on to play every day anyways), Bobby Crosby (ditto) or Troy Glaus (who may even be available as a NRI come spring time)...?  I'm confused.  Especially as doing this would allow the Sox to move Beckham to short and Ramirez to center (with Getz still manning second), thus allowing the circumnavigation of useless, no-upside signings like Andruw Jones.  Additionally, this improves the D in several significant ways: Beckham goes back to his natural position, Ramirez pulls a B.J. Upton in moving off short (where he was below average), and Jones, who at best profiles as a corner OF, does not force Rios to play out of position in CF (neutralizing his defensive value).  Now where did I put my uppers?

...At least this means we won't grossly overpay for Chone Figgins, right?  I'd assume so.  Barring a blockbuster Konerko trade (which ain't happenin'), no more "major" moves are in store for Chicago's infield...not unless one of these new pieces is moved first, also unlikely, being as they have no value whatsoever.  With that in mind, may I be the first to commend Kenny Williams on a job (hopefully) done this off-season.  Seriously, please stop.  Even Dayton Moore thinks you're out of control.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

We Have Not Gone Silent...!

Contributor: Migs and Wally (alternating paragraphs)

M: I am drunk, my friends.  Watching television.  Particularly, a commercial starring Luke Wilson, who has become surprisingly fat since I last saw him (in "3:10 to Yuma," nonetheless).  I haven't really moved since the Vikings game concluded this afternoon.  Five hours ago.  Complete and utter domination by the "Purple Reign."  The 2009 Vikings' offense has more wrinkles than Pat Summerall's balls.

W: The '09 Vikings is the first team since the '98 Vikes that I can honestly say has the ability to immobilize me for long stretches of time.  Unless you count teams that send you into fervent rages, only to leave you comatose shortly afterward.  Then throw the '99-'08 Vikes, the '07 Red Sox, any team Milton Bradley is on and every single White Sox team after the year 2000, even the title winning bunch (fuck you Jurassic Carl).

M: Creationism is hilarious.  Unless it's coming from the mouth of Carl Everett, at which time it becomes frightening, stupefying and infuriating at the same time.  It's a profoundly strange and unsettling feeling.  Like watching Carl run the bases while brainstorming the multitude of better ways his salary could have been put to use.  How many people could've paid their rent for the price it took Carl to be a hoodlum asshole?

W: But we digress.  Javier Vasquez, yet again (but for entirely novel reasons) has driven me to drink.  And the worst part about Javy's Cy Young vote (2nd place on one ballot): it was fucking deserved.  That's right, Javy posted a FIP of 2.77, besting that of Chris Carpenter by .01 in a considerably tougher division for pitchers.  The same Javy Vasquez who could not win a game last September against the offensively hapless Minnesota Fairweathers.  KLaw, you have outdone yourself yet again.  On the other hand, Wally sir, time to admit that you were wrong about Vasquez.  I'm sending you my tab.

M: I hate Jon Heyman.  For reasons that should be obvious to anyone who has (1) read the previous paragraph, and (2) read anything on Jon Heyman's Twitter account, which is literally inundated with stupidity.  Twitter blows.

W: Stupidity has reached epidemic proportions in America.  I propose succession of a colony of enlightened individuals; may I also suggest we use Maine as a geographic locale.  Why?  Lobster, of course.  Lobster kicks serious ass.

M: Last weekend I met Ron Coomer (who will not be invited on the succession).  This week, Mason Jennings (which was infinitely cooler than meeting Ron Coomer).  I've become a magnet for minor celebrity!

W: Moving on, Fangraphs has convinced me Mike Cameron is a better free agent than Jason Bay.  Wha-what?  That's right kiddies!  This ain't fantasy baseball.  Fantasy sports blow.

W: Cameron once hit four home runs against the White Sox (three off Jim Parque, noted steroid abuser).  Actually, I'm not certain "abuser" is the correct term.  If Killer Cam knocks three out of the park against you, Comiskey be damned, you should seriously consider taking more steroids.  Like, say, Winstrol-Stanozolol.  That stuff seems like it kicks ass.  If you don't mind looking freaky as shit in about five years (lookin' at you Sammy, you moisturizing motherfucker).  I think I'm losing my goddamn mind.  Case in point:

M: Bruce Villanch makes me want to curb stomp kittens.

W: Fat hipster.  There's an oxymoron.  Hey, let's talk censorship.  Words that should be banned:

MOIST (Unless followed by the words chocolate cake and/or vagina)
CHUNKS (Again, allowable if preceded by chocolate)
PUSS (Chocolate puss?  Puss chocolate?  Uh, no.)
AFTERBIRTH (Ditto chocolate afterbirth.  Yuck.)
ECOFEMINISM (Mmm...chocolate ecofeminism)

M: Words that should be promoted:

BLEBBING
wOBA
SKOL
PROCLIVITY
JAMBALAYA

Ugh.  I can't believe Perkins is so far away.  I'm going to go lie down on the freeway.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

An Unabashed Homage to FJM: Part VI (Bill Plaschke and the English language go together like feminists and subtlety)

Contributor: Wally

After the Twins and Cardinals went out with nary a whimper in round one (along with our adopted and adored Colorado Rockies), Midwest baseball fans were officially resigned to bandwagon jumping for the duration of the '09 season.  What's more, with the final four teams hailing from New York, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and Anaheim, many of us at the Alliance have paid as much attention to the peerlessly engrossing Arizona Fall League as we have to the World Series.  Here to fill us in on the Phillies NLCS drubbing of the Dodgers (the 'Ticklefight in Tinseltown, if you will) is the LA Times' resident guru of overwrought, flowery self-indulgence.  What follows are samplings from the annals of Plaschke:

OCTOBER 17, 2009

Destiny is not always about a fireworks show.  Destiny is sometimes about a fight.

When, pray tell, is destiny about a fireworks show?  Or, for that matter, a fight?  And what in sweet hell does it even mean for destiny to be "about" something?  This is complete and utter nonsense. Linguistic auto-fellatio even, masturbatory pontification masquerading as journalistic insight.  Ugh.  Additionally, this column was written to affirm Los Angeles' "team of destiny" status, a cliche so hackneyed that any team christened with it should be immediately doomed to defeat by the Baseball Gods.  How felicitous the Dodgers were smitten.  Next column!

OCTOBER 22, 2009

Nowhere, fast.  So describes the journey of the 2009 Dodgers, which ended Wednesday in a recognizably battered heap in the darkest part of a familiar dead end.

There has to be a better way of saying that; there just has to be.  How about this: 'For the second year in a row, Philadelphia represents the end of the line for the languid Los Angeles Dodgers, who have fallen into an alarming rut.'  Better, right?  That took six-and-a-half seconds.

As for LA: that's karma, bitch.  Don't act like this it's novel.  Winter, 1997.  Roger Clemens spurns the Red Sox and signs with the Blue Jays.  The Baseball Gods are, of course, pleased (thou shalt fuck Boston), and they orchestrate Jose Canseco's arrival in Toronto.  The two hit it off, bing-bang-boom: consecutive Cy Young's.  Karma.  Kirby Puckett, on the other hand, convinces everyone he's one of the game's true "good guys," while spending nights and off-days going all Steve Phillips on bitches.  Well Kirby, you can't hide from the Baseball Gods.  Enter Dennis Martinez, "El Presidente," the reckoner.  POW!  Lights out.  Karma.

(By the way, I know Clemens signed in '97 and Canseco in '98, a year after the Rocket's forth Cy Young.  And I know that this puts my argument in rather firm discord with the basic facets of chronology.  But seeing as no other world religion appears concerned with factual congruity, I think I'll just leave it.)

Again it was the Philadelphia Phillies dancing on the grass.  Again, it was the Dodgers staring from the dugout.  Again, it was three wins and three light years from a World Series.

Again it was the readers straining to parse out coherent thoughts from Plaschke's preposterous sentence/paragraphs (*note: average paragraph length in a Bill Plaschke column: 1.002538 sentences).

Out on the Citizens Bank Field, the Phillies were bubbly wet and giddily swaggering after a 10-4 pounding.

I entered "bubbly wet" into my search bar, just to see what happened.  A sampling of the returns:
  • Fartsinajar.net (no comment)
  • Babycenter.com's page on 'pyloric stenosis' ("All babies spit up--in a bubbly, wet-burp way. Forceful or projectile vomiting...")
  • Chicago.backpage listing for 'Super bubbly and wet Italian and Spanish mix' ("...ready to please you right now!"  I bet.)
  • Urban dictionary entry for "wet dump" (again, no comment)
  • Acid reflux board index: "Why do I have so much phlegm?" (ditto) 
Yet this wouldn't be Plaschkeland if blame were not arbitrarily assigned to a key lineup cog that produced substandard superficial statistics (i.e. batting average) over an inconsequentially small sample size (i.e. five games).  Nevermind that Matt Kemp, Rafael Furcal, Russell Martin, Casey Blake and Ronnie Belliard all posted OPS's under .690 in both the LCS and the playoffs as a whole; Manny (.792 playoff OPS), you got some splainin' to do.



Ramirez hit .263 this series with one extra-base hit and countless blown opportunities, and talk about faith.

Not sure how faith entered the discussion, but hey, that's Plaschke.  The man's not afraid to keep his readership on their toes with a malapropos verbal hedge every few sentences.

The Dodgers must spend the winter praying that Ramirez relearns to hit with an untainted body.

Boom!  Just when you'd begun to suspect this "column" was actually a list of characteristically puerile tweats from Tim McCarver, Plaschke serves up a little continuity between sentences.  Get it?  Faith...prayer!  Now the previous sentence almost makes sense.

(In all fairness, the sentences themselves are less nonsensical than we've come to expect from Bill.  Unfortunately, they're ass-backwards, which is straight from Bill Plaschke's SentenceFuck: A Beatwriter's Guide to Histrionics.  How about this: "blah blah blah must spend the winter praying blah blah blah...talk about faith!"  More coherent, right?  That took 1.2 seconds.)

To his point, I'm sure sentiments on the vitality of Manny's aging, nonsteroidal body are echoed by much of Tinseltown.  But Ramirez's OPS numbers in the three full months following his reinstatement read .931, .881, .892.  Remember Ryan Howard, Bill, the Subway-slangin' behemoth you've written so glowingly about in the past?  He had a .931 OPS in 2009, up from an .882 showing in '08.  And what about Chase Utley, Raul Ibanez and Jayson Werth--the heart of the Phillies lineup--fresh off a defacing the LA pitching staff?  .905, .899 and .875 OPS's, respectively.  Perhaps Plaschke should spend his offseason pondering the rather spectacular aberration that was the 37 year-old Ramirez's 1.232 OPS in 2008 (222 PA's), as this was 200 points higher than ManRam's career average, and over 100 OPS points higher than Albert Pujols has managed in any one season.  A .900 OPS is damn good for a soon-to-be 38 year-old; no other Dodger managed even an .870 clip in '09.  What's more, this wasn't terribly difficult to foresee: Manny's OPS offerings during his final two seasons in Boston were "only" .881 and .927.  We all know that Manny B. Manny is the favored punching bag of Bill Plaschke...still, there have to be others to blame, right?  RIGHT?!?  You bet your ass there are...let me take you back a few days.  Next column!

OCTOBER 19, 2009

For the Dodgers to fufill [their] promise, the first bit of education must occur in the front office, which needs to realize something that everyone from here to Nicaragua now understands.  They need an ace, or they will continue to be NLCS jokers.

Get it?  Because Vicente Padilla is Nicaraguan!  And he embarrassed himself and his countrymen by going 1-1 with a 3.63 ERA and a 0.923 WHIP in the postseason (wait, que?), before returning to his homeland and sustaining a gunshot wound to the leg.  (By the way, that last thing is true.)

The fact that they had to start castoff Vicente Padilla in Wednesday's critical game makes one sort of statement.  The fact that Padilla was a complete wreck, giving up six runs in three innings, just confirms that statement.

Padilla had gone 4-0 with a 130 ERA+ in seven regular season starts with the Dodgers, logging 8.7 SO/9 (while walking only 2.7).  In the 14.1 postseason innings he pitched coming into game five, Padilla had given up eight hits, culminating in a grand total of one earned run (a Ryan Howard solo homer).  How was Joe Torre forced to start Vicente Padilla?  That's like saying James Lipton was forced to pop a trouser-ripping erection during the critic's screening of There Will Be Blood.  Rather, Torre was compelled to start Padilla, most-likely overwhelmingly so, by a deep-seated preference for shitty veterans.  If the history of Torre has taught us anything, it's that his Achilles heel is an over-reliance on mediocre journeymen (see: Pierre, Juan, '08), often in lieu of uber-talented young enigmas (see:  Kemp, Matt, '08).  Enter Clayton Kershaw.  After an admittedly rough game one start, Torre could have thrown Kershaw on five days rest for game five, yet on the basis of a shaky game one performance, he had been exiled from the rotation.  If you want to criticize a decision, start there.  Or question the thought process behind awarding Hiroki Kuroda the game three start, bumping Randy Wolf to game four and effectively squelching any chance he had of starting multiple games in the series.  Obviously this is an easy move to lambaste in retrospect, as Kuroda turned in a Don Larson performance in that lone postseason start (that's Don Larson circa 2009, two months after his eightieth birthday).  And there is logic to pitching a right-hander against a heavily left-handed Phillies lineup, though Ryan Howard's performance may have single-handedly justified throwing a southpaw.  But Wolf was the Dodgers most consistent pitcher over the course of the regular season (214.1 IP, 1.10 WHIP, 129 ERA+), and their second most effective starter behind Kershaw.

On a blustery night featuring timid Dodgers offerings and furious Phillies hacks amid an angry stadium awash in blue blood, you know what I would have liked to see?

Certain arctic fish have antifreeze glycoproteins in their blood, rendering their plasma a rather brilliant cyan.  I would like to see a liter of it dumped on Plaschke's keyboard every time a potential metaphor enters his maundering little mind.  Not an act of malice, just a visual reminder that he is a pompous, rambling boob.

I would have liked to see those Dodgers prospects whom they liked more than Cliff Lee.  Who are those guys?  Where are those guys?  They needed to be here, and we needed to see why.

I assume Plaschke is referring to the only rumor linking Cliff Lee to the Dodgers that I was able to find: a July Ken Rosenthal report stating that the Dodgers were looking to deal a package including James Loney and either Clayton Kershaw or Chad Billingsley for Lee and Victor Martinez.  So the Dodgers didn't pull the trigger because of some kind of morose, misguided fascination with James Loney?  And where are these prospects you speak so ambiguously of?  Oh, you made them up so that you wouldn't have to reconcile your asinine point with Loney's .353/.421/.706 NLCS line?  While it is reasonable to conclude prospects would need to be included for this package to entice (seriously, James Loney?), the fact of the matter is no prospects were mentioned in the Lee-to-the-Dodgers rumor.  And Cleveland is not trading their two best players for established, vanilla major leaguers; trades like this just don't happen.  Mark Shapiro knows his team is going into rebuilding mode.  As such, they need high-upside young talent, not predictably mediocre veterans who will be over thirty years old by the time the Tribe can reasonably expect to compete.  Perhaps a relative youngster like Billingsley makes sense, but only when packaged with an 'elite' double or triple-A prospect such as Ivan Dejesus, Scott Elbert, Andrew Lambo (who has struggled this season), James McDonald (ditto as a ML starter), or Ethan Martin, plus some combination of lower-level minor league talent.

That's all.  Or, as Bill Plaschke would say, "On a cold Wednesday afternoon, littered with incongruent thoughts and the smell of hope rising with the refreshing vitality that merely three days left until the weekend can infuse...dumpster babies."

Sunday, November 1, 2009

An Unabashed Homage to FJM: Part V (Return of the Jonesys!)

Contributor: Wally

Alright all you dreamers and creamers out there, it's time for the 2009 Jonesys, featuring Minnfarction fav "cardiac" Todd Jones, the sheriff of contemporary Christian entrance music!  In the spirit of redemption, Jones starts off the column by fessing up to a pretty shitty prediction he made back in April, that Frankie Liriano (5-13, 5.80 ERA) would win the '09 American League Cy Young Award.  "Boy was I wrong," Jones admits with the aw-shucks nonchalance of someone for can listen to MercyMe without entertaining sociopathic thoughts.  No, looks like the Cy will be headed somewhere else in the American League Central...to Detroit!  Wait, what?  Evidently Zach Greinke's 203 ERA+ isn't enough to vault him ahead of Verlander (132 ERA+), who just "[couldn't have] come up bigger in his final two starts of the regular season."

Verlander's last two starts: 15.2 IP, 7 ER
Greinke's last seven starts: 48.0 IP, 6 ER

Not exactly a convincing start for the sheriff, but if Todd Jones would've been pulled every time he loaded the bases with less than two out, we'd have to strike a good number of those 319 career saves from the record book.  Plus, we all deserve our fair shot at redemption...

Best Trend: The death of the OPS fascination and the rebirth of going with guys who just flat-out play.

Y'know, real men like Willie Bloomquist, the ultimate multi-positional grinder.  The man grinds so hard, all he has is nubs where his appendages should be.  Arte Moreno didn't even mind him grinding his 19 year-old wife Carole during the Angels ALDS celebration, despite the fact that Bloomquist plays for the Royals.  That's just how he operates...he even grinds street organs in his spare time.

In response to sheriff Jonsey, let me offer one small critique.  Despite what the stubbliest of real men may believe, OPS is not the pinnacle of sabermetric achievement; it is a crude analytical tool at best.  And its pervasiveness in mainstream sports journalism (and the occasional telecast) does not represent any kind of radical, revelatory movement, as would be implied by Jones' assertion: "the days of trying to reinvent the wheel are on hold."  Think of it more like a compromise between intelligent baseball analysis and curmudgeonly old-schoolish batting average dependence.  The minute I hear Joe Buck drop a wOBA or EqA on us, I'll write a thousand word treatise on why I have been, and remain a jackass.  But seriously Jonesy, "reinventing the wheel?"  The two basic tenets of an OPS evaluation are (1) getting on base, and (2) hitting with power...not exactly avant-garde concepts in the realm of baseball thinktankeries.  In fact, strip a player of these abilities and you're left with...Willie Bloomquist.



Biggest Suprise: The Rockies

"They went all 1980 U.S. hockey team on us," Jones claims.  Again, a small nugget of constructive criticism is called for: this is staggeringly stupid.  The only similarity between the 2009 Colorado Rockies and the "Miracle on Ice" squad is that they both trained in CO.  Oh, and each team had a player with the surname of Baker; Jeff and Bill, respectively (strangely enough, Bill went on to play defenseman for the 1981 Colorado Rockies ice hockey club, now the New Jersey Devils).  But that's about it.  The U.S. Olympic hockey team was a group of amateur no-names led by a legendary coach (Herb Brooks) who improbably overcame the juggernaut Soviet Union team before defeating Finland for the Gold.  The Colorado Rockies, on the other hand, were a relatively recognizable group of professionals (led by $16.6 million-man Todd Helton) who won the prestigious National League wild card over the San Fransisco Giants (they of a .257/.309/.389 offensive output).  Following this resounding victory, Rocktober was swiftly derailed by the Philadelphia Phillies in the NLDS, who prevailed three games to one.  

As for their coach, Jim Tracy is a virtual lock to win NL Manager of the Year.  He did, after all, post a 74-42 record following the firing of 2007 NL M.O.Y. second-runner-up Jimmy Buffett.  That said, manager is a vastly overrated position, trailing only Ryder Cup captainship and 'being Ned Colletti' in terms of sporting overratedness.  Tracy's sterling record in 2009 has as much to do with his managerial ability as did his 135-189 stint with Pittsburgh several years ago: not much.  Players decide the games; managers only have two real jobs.  The first is managing arms, which most skippers regularly fuck up with intransigent pitch counts, a stubborn instance on using closers exclusively in the ninth inning and overly-active situational mixing and matching.  The second is putting their team in the best possible position to score runs, which most also fuck up by unnecessary sacrifice bunting and traditionalist lineup structuring that awards inferior hitters with more PA's (god forbid Joe Mauer should hit in the two-hole over Alexi Casilla).

Best Story: Derek Jeter (breaking Lou Gerhig's record for hits by a Yankee)
  
In his final AB of the season, Ken Griffey Jr. spanked hit number 2,747 up the gut.  Junior was lifted for a pinch runner, but following the game he took a lap around the field before being hoisted on his teammates' shoulders and carried into the dugout.  All in all, a pretty cool exit (should he choose to accept it) for a man that has meant a lot to the game of baseball.



Jeter's run at Gerhig, while interesting due to the fact that the Yanks hit king has less than 3,000 hits, saw him vault ahead of Dave Parker, Bill Buckner and Rusty Staub (Le Grand Orange).  Blown away?  Probably not, because this record is more surprising than it is impressive.  Jeter still ranks 'only' 49th on the all-time hits list, trailing such immortals as Vada Pinson and Harold Baines.  Dare I ask, was The Captain's 2,722nd hit really that big a deal?  I've written at length about Jonsey's rather robust boner over Jeter (see "An Unabashed Homage to FJM: Part III: I Would Gladly Tickle Derek Jeter's Balls as He Fucks My Girlfriend"), so I'll just leave this one to fester.  Moving on...

Breakout Performer: Hanley Ramirez

Let's play a little game.  Which of the following seasons constitutes the most breakout-ish of potential breakout seasons?

(a) .301/.400/.540, 125 R, 92 BB, 34 2B, 33 HR, 67 RBI, 35 SB
(b) .332/.386/.562, 212 H, 125 R, 48 2B, 29 HR, 81 RBI, 51 SB 
(c) .292/.353/.480, 185 H, 119 R, 46 2B, 11 3B, 17 HR, 51 SB 
(d) .342/.410/.543, 197 H, 101 R, 42 2B, 24 HR, 106 RBI, 27 SB

OK, I admit that was a dumb fucking question.  The reason is that a "breakout" season is context-dependent; Albert Pujols just enjoyed arguably his finest season, yet no one is advocating that he has finally 'broken out.'  Thus, the answer to aforementioned nonsensical question is, "whatever came first" (c, in this case, having occurred in 2006).  Being as this was his statistically-weakest season, we could conceivably justify calling 2007 (b) his breakout, a damn fine choice, being as this was the first in a line of three consecutive seasons in which his OPS+ exceeded 140 (145, 146, 151).  (*Fyi, (a) = 2008, (d) = 2009.)  True, 2009 Hanley did set career highs in BA (by ten points), OBP (also by ten points) and SLG (by negative nineteen points); that said, how was this season anything but business as usual for HanRam?  Put differently, how can one argue that a player who has posted WARP3's of 8.3, 9.2 and 7.8 the past three years "broke out" in year three?  That's kinda like saying that The Doors 'broke out' with "The Soft Parade," Harrison Ford 'broke out' in "Temple of Doom," or Tim Tebow is 'breaking out' in '09 (excluding backne considerations from rampant steroid abuse).

Biggest Disappointment: The Royals

I was very disappointed with the presidential campaign of Cynthia McKinney.  Apparently starring in American Blackout gets you all of 0.12% of the vote, and 30,000 less tallies than a man who views homosexuality as a moral perversion and regards Martin Luther King Jr. as a communist.  But back to the Royals...giddyup Jonsey: "I really thought they'd be better.  They have good parts, they're just missing something." I totally agree, if by "they have good parts" you mean, their roster is a cataclysmic abyss from which no light or heat can escape, and by "missing something" you mean missing a catcher, shortstop, third baseman, power-hitting corner outfielder, first baseman (so Billy Butler can DH), three starting pitchers, multiple bullpen arms and a competent GM.  The Royals had five good pieces in 2009; Greinke, Joakim Soria, Robinson Tejada, Butler and Alberto Callaspo.  None of their other pitchers have VORP's above ten, and none of their other hitters have OBP's greater than .340 (in fact, THREE regulars--Olivo, Betancourt, Jacobs--finished the season below .300).  With an FIP of 2.33, Greinke would have won approximately 37 games if Moore could've fielded a lineup of nine Oscar Salazars.  According to my calculations.

They Deserve Better (2010 Season): Minnesota Twins Fans



"They will freeze outside in April and September.  Bad decision not to get a retractable roof.  Good luck."  First of all, I'm pretty sure the retractable roof idea came up in discussions, and...secondly, well, you know, with global warming and all...and the irrefutable effects of urban heat islands, um...I mean, if you can somehow swap out the majority of your blood plasma with beer, then I guess you could trick yourself into...maybe, y'know...

Aw, nevermind.  Maybe we'll be warm when Selig moves our first snowed-out weekender to Miller Park.  Other than that, we're probably fucked.  Skol Vikings.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Black Uhuru, Black Panther, Black Jesus...Black Taco

Contributor(s): Wally

Minnfarction...back in black, party people (or rather, white).  Since our last post (a staunch avocation for Pedro Martinez's closer candidacy), many an event has transpired.  Some have been humorous, such as Delmon Young's late-season pummeling of Kansas City (10 RBI in three games, prompting certain enlightened members of the national media to declare it "revelatory").  Others have been confusing, such as Brad Lidge appearing not only on Philadelphia's NLDS roster, but in games as well (and pitching reasonably well).  A few even consorted to compel me to flee the continental United States, though I made it no farther than coastal Oregon before returning to lovely Minnesota.  

Regardless, the forced exodus for "tastelessly" referencing Gary Busey's limp, lifeless penis is no more.  Though we have been permanently banned from our former host server, we're loving the new digs, and--with a little luck--we'll be brashly imposing our opinions on entirely new demographics in no time.  If you'll have us, that is.

Think it over...Love, Wally, Bombykol, Seamus, Migs and Athos

(In other news, has any catcher had more trouble with counting than Jorge Posada?  It's replaced hitting lefties, throwing out baserunners and being a gigantic pussy as his Achilles heel...)

Friday, July 24, 2009

Cardinal Sin: Should the Red Birds Already be Regretting the DeRosa Deal?

Contributor: Seamus

Trade deadline week is upon us, and I have but one question. Is it fair to laud one deal, while retroactively panning another, knowing that the lack of early returns from the former likely led directly led to the consummation of the latter? The answer is probably 'no,' regardless, the fact remains that the Cardinals have gutted their farm system in recent weeks, parting with five of their top 10-12 prospects in order to snag Mark DeRosa from Cleveland and Matt Holliday from Oakland. What's more, these moves could be considered highly redundant given the resources at St. Louis' disposal. Although the ultimate success of each deal will not be known for some time (years in Cleveland and Oakland's cases, several months in St. Louis'), an early assessment smiles on the Holliday swap for the Cards, while frowning heavily on the DeRosa prospect heist. What follows are comments on the five ex-Cardinals prospects recently shipped out of town:

 
* To Cleveland, for Mark DeRosa:

Chris Perez (STL): 1-1, 4.94 ERA, 11.03 SO/9 over 31 IP, WHIP 1.29

A brazenly cocky kid with a heavy 95-98 mph heater and a biting, low-eighties slider, Perez should continue to yield BAA numbers in the sub-.220 range for years to come. Already in the majors, Perez thus represents a superb pickup for the relief-starved Indians, and a particularly painful loss for the Cardinals, who seem to have forgotten the first eleven years of Ryan Franklin's career. Though Perez cannot effectively command his off-speed repertoire (yet)--characteristic of many young fireballers who were able to ride an unhittable fastball through the minor league ranks--he has the look of a future closer, and could've been the Cardinals #1 fireman come October.

Jess Todd (AAA): 4-2, 2.20 ERA, 59 SO/13 BB in 49.0 IP (10.84 SO/9 vs. 2.39 BB/9), WHIP 1.06, 24 SV

The Cardinals had to be hoping that Todd wasn't the player-to-be-named-later in the DeRosa deal...but they also had to be expecting it. An extremely refined Arkansas product, Todd is not capable of overpowering hitters to the degree that Perez is, but he is light years ahead of Perez with his command. A starter in the minor leagues, Todd projects most favorably as a bullpen arm in the major leagues; a solid 5'11", 210 pounder, he is the kind of relief-ace that could give a team two or three solid innings in a close game if any manager were audacious enough to use him as such. Featuring a low-to-mid nineties sinking fastball, a cutter and a sharp slider, all of which he can locate on either side of the plate, Todd may well become the best arm included in this deal. What's more, he too could likely have helped the Cardinal's bullpen this year (despite a rough debut), especially if he continues to show progress in commanding a rapidly developing change, the only thing that delayed his promotion for three months.

** To Oakland, for Matt Holliday:

Brett Wallace (AA/AAA): .289/.367/.427, 103 H, 27 XBH (16 HR), 35 RBI, 45 R

An extremely balanced hitter with a level swing and a superior eye, Wallace has the uncanny ability to square up almost anything and, in the process, spray line drives all over the field. Although this has not yet led to lofty home run numbers, and likely never will if he remains in Oakland, Wallace still projects as a solid middle-of-the order bat, one that can produce oodles of doubles as well as high batting and on-base averages. He is thus of the same ilk as former-Athletic's 1B Scott Hatteberg, who could represent a reasonable statistical approximation for a young Wallace (though I expect the two-time PAC-10 triple crown winner to display greater power production at some point). Defensively, Wallace is startlingly adequate, despite some of the girthiest thighs you will ever find at the hot corner. (*side note: A pillar of "Moneyball" is the identification of players who--because of their physique, or some other attributes extraneous to pure baseball skill--have had their finer qualities as a ballplayer obscured in the eyes of scouts and executives. In essence, it is the ongoing search for Brett Wallaces of one type or another. This made it all the more shocking when Billy Beane passed on Wallace in last year's draft, opting instead for “toolsy” Miami 2B Jemile Weeks (Wallace would go with the next pick, #13 overall, to St. Louis). Now that order has been restored and Beane has his man, a shift to 1B is imminent, and an ascension to moneyball posterboy is overwhelmingly likely, particularly if Wallace can return the A's to their winning ways and--in doing so--restore Beane's tarnished "genius" status.)

Clayton Mortensen (AAA): 7-6, 4.37 ERA, 7.03 K/9 vs. 2.91 BB/9 in 105 IP, 1.30 WHIP

Featuring a sinking low-nineties fastball that is death to right-handed hitters, this 2007 sandwich pick was an interesting inclusion from the A's perspective. Though Mortensen struggled mightily against lefties last season (.354 BAA), improved command (particularly of his circle change) has alleviated some of these concerns; Mortensen thus appears ready to step into a big league rotation, or at least to step into a bullpen as a righty specialist or mop-up man. Neither of these areas is an Oakland "need," in fact the A's are bubbling over with big-league ready arms. As such, it would've seemed more prudent to go after a higher-ceiling prospect farther down the developmental ladder, perhaps still in single-A. Unless Mortensen turns a major corner, and there is little evidence to indicate he will, he projects as a back-of-the-rotation groundball specialist with a disturbing penchant for giving up big flies. Oakland already features four rookies in their rotation: Brett Anderson, Trevor Cahill, Vin Mazarro and Gio Gonzalez; with Justin Duchsherer set to return soon, this is more-or-less a rotation in itself. Even in the increasingly likely case that Gonzalez does not pan out, it would not be difficult to complete an effective big league staff with one member of the their stable of youthful veterans, Dallas Braden, Dana Eveland and possibly even Faustino de los Santos, should he successfully rebound from TJ surgery. Given this assemblage, and even with the possibility of further trades involving Duchsherer, Eveland and/or Braden, where is the need for Mortensen? It would seem that he would be of much greater value to St. Louis, making his inclusion a quite peculiar decision on both ends.

Shane Peterson (HiA/AA): .293/.357/.420, 108 H, 28 XBH (16 2B, 5 3B, 7 HR), 47 RBI, 43 R, 12 SB in 13 A

Another prospect who has elicited a variety of opinions, Peterson has impressed many by reaching double-A in his first full professional season, though concerns about his defense and his "front-foot hitting style" have led to tempered optimism amongst many scouts as well. A below-average runner whose base-stealing prowess is likely a facade, Peterson has the frame of a power-hitter at the next level, and has shown enough in his first pro season to suggest he has at least a Jason Michaels-esque future to look forward to. While this is certainly not All-Star caliber production, it is periodic productivity given the right situation. That is, more times than not his performance will warrant a starting position, or at least a platoon gig, at the big-league level. That said, I personally have no problem with his inclusion in the deal, as the Cardinals have no shortage of outfield bats, and Peterson is widely considered the "fringiest" prospect on this list.

*** The science of prognostication is--in actuality--anything but; it's a crapshoot at best. Still, these are not 17 year-old signings out of the Dominican Republic we're talking about...of the five prospects in the two deals, three of them have already sniffed big-league action, and another (Wallace) is primed for a September call-up. These are players with extensive college and minor league track records, already knocking down the proverbial big league door. As such, the act of projecting their performances becomes a considerably more-accurate affair.

Mark DeRosa appears to be heating up, posting hits (including a homer) in a three-game weekender with the Phils. Additionally, he gives the Cardinals a degree of versatility they previously lacked, as he can adequately fill in at first, second, third or either corner outfield position (though he is only a modest upgrade over Skip Schumaker, offensively or defensively, despite Schumaker grading out as the major's worst defensive 2B by UZR). Additionally, with the coaching staff seemingly intent on letting Rick Ankiel hit his way through his season-long slump, this leaves the Cardinals with more-than-enough outfielders to relegate DeRosa to exclusive infield duty (see: Holliday, Ludwick, Rasmus, Ankiel, Glaus[?]). In a perfect world, where DeRosa remained an adequate defensive second baseman and Glaus could return to regular duty at third, the odd men out would be Ankiel (with Schumaker assuming 4th OF responsibilities) and current-3B Joe Thurston; in actuality, the Cards might have to settle for DeRosa booting the abhorrently ineffective Thurston to the waiver wire, while Schumaker continues to do his Chuck Knoblauch thing at second. This leaves Ankiel as the forth outfielder, with a gimpy Glaus assuming pinch-hitting responsibilities, or possibly DH'ing should the opportunity present itself.

So is an upgrade from Thurston to DeRosa worth the hefty price of Perez and Todd? Thurston has certainly held up his end, grading out as one of the very worst regulars in the national league. He also makes a convincing argument for the dubious distinction of "biggest hole in a contender's lineup," as attested by a .229 BA and .669 OPS (though he has his work cut out for him if he wishes to catch Emilio Bonafacio or any of the Twins' middle infield contingent). Either way, the frightening possibility remains that Thurston will simply scoot over, taking AB's away from Schumaker as his backup at second; Cardinal fans should pray this responsibility falls instead to Julio Lugo, who--for all his defensive shortcomings at the keystone--remains a productive middle-IF bat. Assuming DeRosa effectively purges the Cards lineup of Thurston, his healthy .807 OPS (17 HR) should be worth a win or two going forward, not a bad investment in a tight N.L. Central race. However, the Cardinals bullpen, featuring Franklin, Kyle McClellan, Trever Miller and Dennys "The Big Sweat" Reyes, will also be tested down the stretch, and they're going to need more innings than those four arms can provide going forward (especially with La Rusa's well-known penchant for frequent pitching changes). This presents a problem, as Jason Motte (5.70 ERA) has been less-than-inspiring, youngster Blake Hawksworth was hit extremely hard in his last appearance (vs. PHI), and the 36 year-old Franklin (career 4.10 ERA) is unlikely to continue his Mo Rivera act all season.

So will the extra offensive production provided by DeRosa (above that expected from Thurston, Glaus and/or Khalil Greene) be enough to offset the subtraction of Perez and Todd from an unproven 'pen? My early guess would by no; the Cardinals would have been better off holding onto the arms, mixing and matching Ryan, Greene, Lugo and Schumaker (at second, short and third), and waiting for Glaus to return. The Cardinals guessed differently, or perhaps did not view the acquisition of Holliday as realistic at the time of the DeRosa move. Either way, whether this move will be viewed as shrewd success or crippling miscalculation will be determined, at least in-part, by the happenings of the next two months...let's sit back and let the dog days sort it out.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009

To All You Royals Fans Out There, Dayton Moore Would Like to Say, "Go Fuck Yourselves"

Contributor: Wally

Moving on...Dayton Moore is at it again.  For those of you who thought he couldn't top the Mike Jacobs trade (in which he surrendered Leo Nunez, now a candidate for the Marlin's closer position), enter Yuniesky Betancourt.



I would have really liked to rail on this move, but I was stripped of any incentive after Joe Posanski, brilliant columnist for the KC Star, spent about 9,000 words doing it better than I ever could have.  Here are some of the highlights, Joe Po italicized: 

"A few years ago, the Royals traded Jermaine Dye for Yuniesky-comp Neifi Perez. Now, that trade was an absolute disaster — the worst in team history in my opinion — but there was this indisputable line of reasoning. The Royals felt like they did not have a shortstop ready to play in the big leagues. This is a powerful problem: When you play baseball, you must have a shortstop … otherwise teams will laugh at you. Yes, true, they will laugh at you if you have Neifi Perez at shortstop too, but they’ll laugh at you more if you don’t have a shortstop at all."

And if you field a team that includes Yuniesky Betancourt, Willie Bloomquist, Mike Jacobs, Jose Guillen, Miggy Olivo and one of the Luis Hernandez/Tony Pena Jr. contingent, opposing teams run the risk of shitting themselves before they take the field. 

Let me preface this next one by saying that Yuniesky's last two UZR's (2008, 2009) were: -12.6, -8.3, his Dewan Plus/Minus: -19/-13...Joe Po, GO!!! 

"Yuniesky Betancourt is--by these numbers--a LEGENDARILY BAD defensive shortstop.  No, really, legendarily, like in 300 years kids will be sitting around campfires singing about how bad a shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt was."

Wow.  I had always assumed, as Joe Po and many others no doubt had, that Yunieksy was an above-average ML shortstop.  I'd seen a number of highlight reel plays (always to his backhand side, allowing him to flaunt a cannon arm from shallow left field) and he seemed to fit the stereotype of the no-bat, defensive-minded SS.  Perhaps most importantly, I haven't seen a whole lot of M's baseball the last couple of years.  Thankfully. 

"The Royals have now acquired four — count them FOUR — players off the 2005 Seattle Mariners. They’ve got Meche, Bloomquist, Miguel Olivo and Betancourt. It’s like they are trying to rebuild that 69-93 team brick-by-brick. Call Richie Sexson’s agent!" 

Well said, sir.  By the way, the roster of the '05 M's also included--at one time or another--Ichiro, Raul Ibanez, Adrian Beltre, Randy Winn, Jamie Moyer, Joel Piniero, Ryan Franklin, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton, Eddie Guardado, Rafael Soriano, George Sherill, Jose Lopez, Shin-Soo Choo, Yorvit Torrealba and Felix Hernandez.  All of these players, at one point or another, have either (a) played at an All-Star calliber level or (b) played at a high enough level [superficially] to fool an All-Star manager into giving them a place on an All-Star team.  All of this is, at least in part, a testament to the ability of the '05 M's front office to identify talent...they had a ton of it, and even turned some of it into useful pieces (for example, Sherill was included in the Bedard trade, though All-Star CF Adam Jones and Future's Game starter Chris Tillman were also surrendered).  Think we're gonna be able to throw around such accolades looking back at the '09 Royals team?

In other news, the Red Sox cut ties with a far superior player today, Julio Lugo, he of a perplexing -43.2 UZR.  (That's negative, folks.  And while astute observers will point out that this is an anomaly attributable to a small sample size, it is nevertheless an abominable performance over any period.)  In a phone conversation with Steve Buckley, Lugo explained his predicament: "When you see a good looking girl, you get married and sometimes things don't work out.  I gave it my best and unfortunately things didn't work out."  Fellas, I know you can't wait to marry every good-looking girl that comes into your life...right?  Well don't, dipshits, or you could end up with the marriage equivalent of a .284/.352/.367 line, undoubtedly grounds for divorce in 2009 American culture.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Is Alfonso Soriano's the Worst Contract in Baseball? (Popping the proverbial Zito of common knowledge on bad deals)

Contributor: Bombykol

Alfonso Soriano's current contract runs 8 years and will pay him $136 million...no kidding.  To you non-Cubs fans out there who want to understand what it feels like to have such an albatross on your roster, try repeatedly slamming your testicles with a car door.  While staggering at first glance, Soriano's contract was not an isolated faux pas in an otherwise discriminating environment.  Riding the coat-tails of a season that shattered the previous MLB attendance record, the free-agent market of 2006 was both rabid and ridiculously detatched from any reasonable method of player valuation.  And not just for perceived "stars," either; in the two-year period from '06 to '07, $140 million dollars worth of contracts were handed out to the immortal trifecta of Gary Matthews Jr, Jeff Suppan and Carlos Silva.  These players have contributed a combined -0.7 WARP in 2009, not exactly bang for one's buck.  All the more shocking, in a world where Kei Igawa is still owed half of his $46 million dollar contract (he was signed for 5 years in December of '06), Soriano's deal may soon stand out as the worst in the sport.  Though many Cubs fans have been disappointed with Soriano's lackluster production during his time with the club, no. 12 has still managed to put up decent numbers, while "leading" his clubs to N.L. Central crowns of the past two seasons.  But now, with Soriano mired in a season-long slump that has seen him--amongst other things--abandon base-stealing, even the most optimistic of bleacher creatures has to be growing concerned about the future.  How's Soriano's $18 million annually going to look after next season, if he continues to post WARP's south of 2.0?  Or in 2014, when the Cubs will be paying as much as 15-20% of their total payroll to the thrity-eight year old?  Is Soriano's decline merely a prolonged statistical aberration, augmented by the stunning extent of his struggles and exacerbated by the neurotic hysteria of his home market?  Or are these the symptoms of physical deterioration, early signs of an apocalyptic degradation in both ability and production for the Cubbie's cornerstone player?  In short, what is Alfonso Soriano worth, and how much return can the Cubs [look forward to(?)] in the future?




Such an assessment requires an understanding of the value--namely the monetary value--of a win, an inherently difficult number to ascertain.  The difficulty lies in the general lack of data available on team revenue; generally teams are operated as small trusts under private ownership, or as part of large conglomerates (such as Anheuser-Busch, STL) in which the team is merely a miniscule portion of a gigantic business.  One exception, cited by Baseball Prospectus, was the Cleveland Indians, who filed financial disclosures with the SEC from 1998 to 2000.  In doing so, the Tribe reported income from eight primary sources: ticket sales, local radio & television contracts, merchandise sales, MLB central fund allocation, concessions & catering revenue, postseason revenue (from 1997), private-suite & seat rental and revenue sharing.  With this data, B.P.'s Nate Silver undertook the unenviable task of extending its learnings to the whole of Major League Baseball; even though Cleveland may have been a model franchise in the late-nineties, it certainly is not representative of the MLB as a whole.  After all, MLB territory includes markets as fanatical and fervent as New York City, and as apathetic and indifferent as Miami; ballparks as beautiful and tantalizing as S.F.'s AT&T Park, and as  decrepit and "derelict" as the H.H.H. Metrodome.  Additionally, every stadium is priced differently, with a different number of luxury suites, and draws its fans from radically different populations (by per-capita income, amongst other things).  Add in a plethora of social factors, past team performance, the well documented "honeymoon effect" associated with new stadiums, etc and you've got a veritable clusterfuck on your hands.

Without delving into the grizzly details of B.P.'s regression analyses (the full description is available on pages 174-196 of B.P.'s "Baseball Between the Numbers," which I would suggest you pick up anyways), and disregarding Silver's "linear model of player valuation," which downplays the observed non-linear bump in revenue a team can expect from earning a postseason bid, I would like to briefly outline the "two-tiered model of player evaluation," as it will be central to the coming discussion.  Accounting for all reported revenue, and deducting revenue-sharing payments, an additional win was shown to be worth approximately $650,000, an additional playoff win, $25 million.  Here's how it broke down categorically--the revenue generated by both a single regular-season win (and a single playoff appearance):

Gate receipts: $700,000 ($14,900,000)
Concessions: $215,000 ($4,500,000)
Luxury suites and club seats: $160,000 ($3,300,000)
Merchandise: $55,000 ($5,800,000)
Local broadcast rights: $0 ($14,100,000)
Playoff gate receipts: $0 ($5,800,000)
- Revenue sharing payments: $385,000 ($14,900,000)
Net: $650,000 ($25,000,000)

While these numbers are nearly a decade old, they are nonetheless useful, especially in light of how little data is actually available on the topic. However one glaring inadequacy in our methodology should be pointed out before we move one: all wins are not created equal.  Using logistic regression analysis, and plotting the number of regular season wins (x) against the probability of that win total earning a team a playoff berth (y), one gets a sigmoid curve (essentially a variation of P(x)=1/(1+e^-x)).  This means that a team (A) with 68 wins has virtually no shot of securing a playoff birth, a team (B) with 98 has virtually no shot of missing the playoffs, and a team (C) with 88-89 wins has essentially a 50-50 shot.  Hypothetically, consider a situation where all three teams sign a free agent who provides a WARP value of 5.0 to replace a player with a WARP of 3.0.  The move has essentially no value to teams A & B, as improving from 68 to 70 wins, or from 98 to 100, has virtually no bearing on the team's playoff odds; team A will still miss the playoffs in every conceivable scenario, just as team B will still be assured of a playoff berth.  Team C, on the other hand, benefits immensely, as improving from 89 wins to 91 improves their playoff odds from 50% to almost 70%.  Thus while teams A & B will gain approximately ~$1.0-1.2 million dollars from their free agent signing in marginal economic value ($500-600K per win), team C can expect returns upwards of $4 million...for a regular season win, nonetheless.  However important this is, a teams can plan for it only to a degree; while the Cubs may have anticipated that an Alfonso Soriano-type player--coupled with a number of pitching upgrades--could vault them into contention in a weak N.L. Central, there is no way to anticipate the competitive balance of a division three, four or eight years down the line.  (Although the Cubs may have won only 66 games in 2006, most recognized it as something of an anomaly, and regarded the Cubs as closer to 'team C' than 'team A.')  Thus knowing that this is a long-term contract, we will evaluate it as such, disregarding marginal economic values in favor of the simple, linear valuation of a regular season win (~$650K). 

Returning to the topic at hand, what does this mean for slump-ridden Alfonso Soriano, GM Jim Hendry (the man who signed off on his 8 year, $136 million contract) and the future prospects of the Chicago Cubs organization?  To begin, let's return to 2004, a year that should have seen Soriano's value plummet in the wake of a [shockingly underpublicized] age scandal.  Shortly after completion of the A-Rod swap, it was revealed that Soriano was 28 years old, not 26 as initially believed.  The Rangers maintained that they were aware of this in advance of the trade, but as it was not grounds for voiding his new contract, whether or not this was damage control will never be known.  What was known, at least by computer programs (such as PECOTA), was that this revelation sullied most of Soriano's accomplishments to date.  Soriano's first extended stint in the major leagues came at age 25, not 23 as originally believed; Soriano may have evolved into a fine player just one season later, posting of WARP of 6.2, but the upside of a 26 year old is markedly different than that of a player two years younger.  (Statistical savant Bill James has written that the peak years of a major league baseball player come between the ages of 25 and 29, with an absolute peak being reached at 27; he has subsequently stated that these numbers are likely over-estimations due to the increased longevities witnessed during the steroids era).  In his age-26 season, PECOTA's top 5 comparisons for Soriano included Ernie Banks, Andre Dawson, Sammy Sosa, George Bell and Juan Samuel.  For a 28 year-old Soriano, the names look a little different: Kelly Gruber, Gene Frese, Max Aviles, Raul Mondesi and (again) Juan Samuel.  Downgrading one's comp from Banks to Mondesi is not exactly flattery, but PECOTA wasn't done: it also predicted WARP's for both a 26 and 28 year-old Soriano going forward:

2004: 5.5 v. 4.9; 2005: 4.5 v. 4.7; 2006: 4.4 v. 3.8; 2007: 4.3 v. 3.6; 2008: 3.7 v. 2.5

Examining his actual WARP performance over the same time period, Soriano has actually stacked up quite favorably (with the exception of 2005).  No. 12's actual WARP's (and the difference between reality and PECOTA's projections) follow:

2004: 4.2 (-0.7), 2005: 1.9 (-2.8), 2006: 7.9 (+4.1), 2007: 6.8 (+3.2), 2008: 4.9 (+2.4)

Soriano has thus underperformed in two seasons and over-performed in three (26.2 actual WARP vs. 19.5 expected, +6.7 net), with two of those having been "legitimate" All-Star caliber efforts.  While this represents a good performance when pitted against PECOTA's projections, WARP's in the 3.0-5.0 range are hardly elite; to the contrary, they are very pedestrian (for instance, Johnny Peralta averaged a 4.55 WARP between '05 and '08).  This season, Arizona ace Dan Haren leads the majors in WARP-1 [the most basic incarnation of the statistic] at 14.3, and Albert Pujols has averaged a 9.4 mark over his nine-year career, while posting a 12.4 in '09.  Additionally, it's hard to ignore the precipitous drop that Soriano has experienced every year following '06, including this season, where Soriano's WARP-1 is a measly 0.9, neck and neck with Angel Pagan and Matt Herges.

Following the 2009 season, Soriano's contract with Chicago will have payed out $41 million dollars.  Assuming the WARP-1 Soriano has posted thus far in '09 holds, he has theoretically accounted for 12.6 additional Cubs wins over a replacement-level player (earning the league-minimum salary of $390,000) during that time period.  The other half of the two-tiered model of player valuation, 'playoff appearance accounted for,' will be deduced by simply subtracting Soriano's WARP outputs from the team's overall W-L each season from '07-'09; if this adjusted W-L record places the Cubs out of the playoff picture, then Soriano will be directly credited with a playoff appearance(*).

2007 (actual): 85-77 (2.0 lead); (sans Soriano): 78-84 (5 GB)*
2008 (actual): 97-64 (7.5 lead); (sans Soriano): 92-69 (2.5 lead)
2009 (actual): 47-45 (2.0 GB); (sans Soriano): 46-46 (3 GB)

2007 is the only year our elementary analysis credits Soriano for impacting the ultimate outcome of the N.L. Central race.  Thus according to the two-tiered model of player valuation, Soriano's value breaks down a follows:

2007
WARP-1: +6.8 (value: $4.420 million)
Playoff Appearance With/Without: Yes/No (value: $25 million)
*Net value: $29.485 million (return: $19.420 million))

2008
WARP-1: +4.9 (value: $3.185 million)
Playoff Appearance With/Without: Y/Y (value: $0)
*Net value: $3.185 million (return: -$10.815 million)

2009
WARP-1: +0.9 (value: $585,000)
Playoff Appearance With/Without (Projected): N/N
*Net value: $585,000 (return: -$16.415 million)

**Net value ('07-'09) [actual - "earned" salary]: $41 - $33.255 million = -$7.745 million

The two-tiered model is admittedly harsh, giving Soriano full credit for the Cubs inspired turnaround in 2007 (culminating in a playoff appearance), while awarding him zero credit for their playoff appearance in 2008.  Nevertheless, this is probably fair, as an '08 Cubs team minus Soriano's contributions would've almost certainly made the playoffs in a feeble N.L. Central; Soriano missed 53 games last season anyways, and the Cubs were above .500 in those games.  This relatively straightforward picture could fast become complicated however.  The possibility exists that the Cubs (currently 2 GB) could end up winning the Central division by a margin less than Soriano's final WARP-1, contingent on his raising this value above one, which he will almost certainly do.  In such a scenario, our assessment of his value markedly changes.  Say the Cubs win the Central crown by one game over the Cardinals, who also finish 2.0 GB of the Colorado in the Wild Card chase and miss the playoffs entirely.  Let us also say that during this time, Soriano doubles his WARP-1, ending the season at 1.8, a value that would currently rank him behind thoroughly underwhelming White Sox 2B Chris Getz.  Under the simplistic system I have chosen to employ, Soriano would get credit for the team's playoff berth, and with it the $25 million of revenue set to come the Cubbie's way; with such a contribution, Soriano would have provided a positive net return on his three-year salary.  Yet it goes without saying that a player who contributes a 1.8 WARP does not deserve such credit, as he has performed at a well below-average level that season.  Concurrently, such a situation would be vastly different from 2007, in which Soriano's All-Star caliber performance propelled the Cubs team to a Central Division title, even though my analysis would assign equal monetary value to each contribution.  In the interest of preserving this system and all its simplicity, a condition requiring a league-average WARP for starting position players (which should settle around +4 most years) may be needed; if the player under examination fails to reach this plateau, he would not be credited with a 'playoff appearance accounted for.'  As of July 23, such a stipulation is not yet necessary, and if there is any justice in the baseball universe it will stay that way (the recently-completed Matt Holliday to St. Louis deal should help).  At the very least it would save me from having to write a second blog post explaining Silver's "market price model" in a desperate attempt to preserve the legitimacy of my point.

Returning to the raw data, it's fair to say that Soriano has underperformed in his three years with Chicago (especially when factoring in his .138 playoff OBP).  Still, the degree to which he has done so is not as vast as one might expect.  This is almost entirely due to Soriano's boarder-line elite performance in 2007, which propelled the Cubs to a division title, albeit with a mere 85 wins.  Take out the $25 million accredited to Soriano for this contribution--or divy it up amongst several key roster components--and Soriano's performance begins to look much, much worse.  In actuality, Soriano has not been horrific, he has merely been average.  And wildly inconsistent.  And often injured.  Yes, he is over-payed, but is that even unique enough to be noteworthy?  Put another way, has Soriano's contract been any worse than, say, Jose Guillen's 3-year, $36 million deal with Kansas City?  The numbers would say no, and they would be correct, as Guillen has thus far provided a net WARP of +0.2 in 233 games with Kansas City (a $130K value, according to our method).  But one key difference remains: Soriano still has five year left after 2009, and will be owed a staggering $18 million in his age-38 season.  The Royals, on the other hand, will have officially washed their hands of Guillen by next November.



Many will point out that Soriano was not signed for his contributions at age 38, he was signed for his ages 31-35 seasons with the hopes that several playoff appearances (and maybe even a championship) later, natural inflation rates of the free-agent market will make the remainder of his contract swallow-able.  This is a good tactic for certain teams at certain times; consider if Roy Halladay was a free-agent this offseason--it certainly would behoove the Phillies to offer Halladay whatever length of contract he desired to get him signed.  This is because the Phils are a team with a core of star players either in (Utley, Howard, Ibanez, Werth, Victorino) or just past (Rollins) their primes, along with a mature ace and a sterling bullpen.  And a fast-closing window; knowing they can perform for only two-to-three more years at an elite level, they should absolutely try to make as many championship runs as they can in that time, especially considering the startling lack of competition for the N.L. pennant.  As was mentioned earlier, when the Cubs signed Soriano, they were riding the septic fumes of a 66 win season--not exactly the same scenario, but if management felt it could fashion a contender while Soriano was still in the latter-part of his prime (which it did), then this argument holds some water.  It would hold a hell of a lot more if the deal had been for five years; anything more than that and the Cubbies would have been better off taking a pass.  Especially since Cubs management was in the position to dictate when their optimum competitive window would be, based on the free agents they signed.  Soriano's signing signalled the immediate switch to a "win now" mentality, and thus necessitated the assemblage of a largely imported team of established big-league players (e.g. Lilly, Harden, Dempster, Fukodome, DeRosa & Bradley).  Now the window appears to be closing, and the hundred million dollar question has become: how will Soriano age?

While there's no perfect answer, an easy approximation can be generated by looking at how similar players have fared after their 34th birthday.  According to baseball-reference.com, the most similar hitter to Alfonso Soriano (by age) is Matt Williams.  The mere fact that we're discussing Matt Williams should bring to light the myriad shortcomings with this line of analysis, nevertheless, Williams delivered a Mike Schmidt performance in his age-33 season, posting a .303/.344/.536 line while banging 35 home runs and driving in 142.  The rest of his career, which spanned four seasons and 306 games, Carson Crusher hit a grand total of 44 home runs, only once exceeding a .315 OBP or driving in more than 50 runs.  But again, Soriano and Williams are of widely divergent playing styles and body types; perhaps a more appropriate comp comes courtesy of PECOTA: Don Baylor.  Baylor logged seven seasons after his 34th (the first four of the "complete" variety), hitting 125 home runs, posting five EqA's over .273 (two over .300) and appearing in two World Series (1986 with Boston, which he lost, and 1987 with Minnesota, which he won).  Despite this, Baylor was hardly a standout player, logging only two seasons--his age-34 & 35 campaigns--with WARP's above 4.0 (5.1 & 4.0 respectively), and ending his career with two seasons of essentially replacement-level productivity.  Also notable, over this time period he logged 723 games as a DH position, playing zero innings in the field these past two seasons; obviously this is a luxury Soriano will not be afforded.  One last point regarding Don, and for those of you who remember Baylor as I do (that is, as a fat DH for the Twins with no remaining knees), this may come as somewhat of a suprise: he once stole 52 bases in a season!  (Soriano's career high, coming in his first full campaign, was only 43.)  But Baylor never again swiped twenty bags after hitting his 30th birthday.  All this is interesting, but what do these comps--and others like them--tell us about Soriano's future prospects?  PECOTA thinks it knows, and you ain't gonna like it (projected WARP's for the remainder of his Cubs contract follow):

(2009: 4.0), 2010: 3.3, 2011: 2.5, 2012: 1.8, 2013: 1.3, 2014: 0.5

Correspondingly, PECOTA offers an estimated "MORP" (marginal value over replacement player) for each of his projected WARP outputs.  The values are generously adjusted for an 8% inflation in player salaries each year, and are listed in millions of dollars:

2010: $6.500; 2011: $4.875; 2012: $3.575; 2013: $2.700; 2014: $1.300

That's $1.3 million dollars of marginal value over a replacement-level player in a season the Cubs will be paying him $18 million...ouch.  In fact, taking the amount of money due to come Soriano's way from 2010-2014 and subtracting from it his MORP, gives a difference of $72.55 million!  That difference represents well over three times the value of Soriano's projected MORP performance; staggering numbers, even ignoring the fact that Soriano is currently undershooting his 2009 WARP projection by 3.1 wins.  Using our more-elementary system, Soriano is worth only $6.11 million over the final five years of his deal.  Adding the $7.745 million dollars in "debt" he has accrued over the deal's first three years to the nearly $89 million in projected "debt" he is expected to over the final five, Soriano will have to deliver four playoff berths (that the Cubs wouldn't otherwise secure) in order to justify his contract.

A lot of people thought that this deal was stupid the day it was signed (myself being one of them), we were just unable to grasp the grandiosity of Hendry's ineptitude until the early returns were in.  And if the Cubs are unable to make a legitimate title push this year, in a weak National League, we haven't even begun to see how ugly this could get.  So lay off Brian Sabean...Barry Zito has a WARP-1 of 0.7 this season, anyways, pretty damn similar to 'Fonso's.  Today, indiscretion has a new name, and its "Hendry."